Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shed

Not a creature was stirring,

Except for ol’ #11, bred heifer

With a white streak on her forehead.

 

She was restless and stirring as I headed off to bed

With visions of her licking a new baby bull calf in about an hour dancing in my head.

My wife was already sacked out as I made my way into the house.

Got my hot shower, then a bowl of ice cream as I dreamt of a ski trip to Taos.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, the cow dogs were just having their nightly chat with the coyotes about stuff that just doesn’t matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash. 

Yep, it’s been an hour and a half.

Better check #11 and get back to my warm bed in a dash.

 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a couple of miniature feet sticking out of her posterior.

#11 was on her side and pushing with all she was worth.

She just seemed to get nowhere so I rolled up the sleeve on my shirt.

 

I grabbed her tail and as dry leaves before a wild hurricane fly,

She jumped to her feet, cornered me in the back of the shed, then blew snot on me as she hooked and ran by.

She jumped over the gate and headed to the front pasture which was brushy and big.

I gathered the lariat rope, ob sleeves, the chains, a flashlight and jumped in my feeding rig.

 

On Cummins, on bale spikes, on big mud grips!

On high beams, on siren, and white caker that trips!

To the back canyon, to the plumb bushes and on to the flood control dam!

Dash on, dash on, we lost our hi-lift jack, post driver and truly tested the Ram!

 

Then… I saw the twinkling of #11’s eyes, as she held up behind a cedar in some sumac.

I gunned the diesel engine as she turned and mounted her final attack.

Her hooves came a pounding as she head butted my driver’s side door.

But call it Christmas luck, I got the lariat rope on her neck, dallied to the gear shift and put her on the floor.

 

Feed truck LS gave her a good pull and a tug, as I was still gloating over my midnight roping nab.

But as the slack drew up, my driver’s side door came off and #11 jumped into the cab!

Somehow I and the dog managed a miracle escape through the passenger window.

#11 now had full possession of my wheels; the Farm Bureau man would never believe this unusual show.

 

She was chubby and plump, not jolly at all.

As she kicked the feed truck outta gear and brought it to a stall.

I noticed she was caught like in a new hydraulic chute.

Her rear feet up under herself, with her newborn’s little nose sticking out. And then the radio went mute.

 

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work.

OB chain around one foot, then two feet and a push, and here came a nose with a jerk!

I cleared the breech as she slapped my nose with her tail.

And a new baby bull calf popped out, while Momma was still somewhat in jail.

 

I sprang to my feet and cut my new rope with the knife the feed salesman had left behind.

#11 blew the siren, kicked out my glove box and slid out the passenger side.

She paired up and claimed her calf like nothing had ever happened.

I gave her a big smile, threw my driver’s side door on the back, sat down in a heap of slime and my coveralls were dampened.

 

Back to the house, back to the shower, again, and a good night’s rest.

But first, I noticed under the Christmas tree presents piled up like a big nest.

Santa Claus had been there, I was so glad to see he’d been back.

Because under the Christmas tree was a new rope, gear shift, seat cover, and to my surprise a new hi-lift jack!

 

Out the window I saw Santa get out of his sleigh

He took #11 a big flake of alfalfa hay.

And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

 

 

 

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Oklahoma Economics

Howdy friends and neighbors, well let’s talk some ag markets for a spell.  Commodity prices are all pretty good at the present time.  As I write this column, we have $7 wheat, $5 corn, $12 soy beans, $1.40 cotton, $80 crude, $4 natural gas (not so hot) and $110 hay.  But in what I handle the most, beef cattle; we have $1.50 four weights, $1.20 feeders and $1.04 fats!  That’s record high!  Cotton, feeder and fat cattle are currently at all-time record highs on the futures board.  Now, that’s a stimulus plan!!!!!

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The Politics in Football…

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Talk about making a guy’s head spin!  You can tell without a doubt that ex-politicians are running the major colleges in this country…  Why????  Let’s have a look at college football and in about two seconds you can tell that political re-treads are in charge because college football is run just like a government program.

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The Football in Politics

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Welcome back sports and politics fan.  It’s a beautiful day for an election as we return after a brief TV time-out.  We’re all knotted up here in the 4^th quarter and the democrat donkeys have the ball on the 2 yard line with goal to go.  The main string for the rumbling elephants is beat-up and severely bruised from the 1^st quarter action when Bama mama ran the opening kickoff in for a touchdown and two point conversion.  But late in the game it’s been the rookies from the Tea bagger farm team that have held up in the trenches.

 Okay they’re getting set as the donkey’s line up on the republican 2 yard line, 1^st and goal to go, as a result of ramming Bama care right down the elephant’s throats.  It’s sister Pelosi wide left. Boxer even further left.  Bama is under tele-prompter.  It’s a given he’s under center because he banned the shotgun.  Two backs set… well I think they’re set.  Reid and Barney Frank are awful close in the back field.  It’s the mule tail formation.  Cap and trade lined up just barely to the right.

 “Yeah, Hat, Cap and Trade have been man handling McCain and Graham all night.”  

 The elephants have a fresh line of tea baggers digging their heals in. 

 “Hat, the American fans are creating a lot of noise in this south end zone and Bama can’t call an audible amongst this chaos.  Back to you Hat.”

 Cap and Trade run off the field as Economy and Jobs run on.

 Here we go. Out of the mule, Bama gives a hard count trying to pull the tea baggers off-sides but no dice.  Ball is snapped, Bama looks right but Economy has stumbled, he pump fakes to Pelosi as he retreats back to the left. Palin has run over her own teammate McCain and is hot on Bama’s trail.  The pocket is collapsing as he scrambles left.  Frank and Reid are still in the back field arguing.  It’s a Presidential keeper as Bama breaks from the protection of Tele-prompter.  He’s at the 8, the 5 , THE 3, 2, 1!  It’s a huge pile at the one as Bama is still on his feet.  Oh, Oh the ball is stripped!  FUMBLE!  Ball on the ground and it seems no Dems want to fall on it!

 The Tea baggers come up with it!  They have blockers.  Fox and National Review out front.  The 10, the 20, room to run.  Oh, he almost gets tripped by the Senate.  The 40, the 50.  One man to beat.  It’s a huge collision mid field as the Tea Bagger was finally brought down by the Media.

 Oh my. The Donkeys had the ball on the Elephant 2 yard line, first down and goal to go and fumbled big time. 

 “Yeah Hat, I think all that crowd noise may have had something to do with it.” 

 Bama has already left the stadium.   Word from the sideline is that he is headed to Disneyland. 

 Oh check that.  He’s headed to India to see the festival of lights????!!! 

 “That’s right Hat, took $2 billion, Jobs and the economy with him.”  

 But the game’s not over?  We still have most of the 4^th quarter left.

  Well the Republicans, now have it first and 10 from mid field as John Boehner takes over as quarter back.  Whew! What a game.

  I’m Monte the “Hat” sports announcer Tucker, and that’s it. 

 And who would have thought that OSU would upset Baylor for the number one spot in the Big 12 South??!!       

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Kilter…

Howdy friends and neighbors.  What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?!  Something must be out of kilter.  Is kilter a word?  Ha, I just looked it up in my 1972 Webster’s Dictionary and it is indeed a word.  It means “good condition: order.”  So back to my original thought, something is out of kilter.  Mars must be spinning backwards while Venus and Mercury are sitting on top of each other.  The salmon must be swimming sideways and the geese are headed west for the winter.  The beavers are digging drainage canals and politicians are telling the whole truth!

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Who To Vote For?

Howdy friends and neighbors.  So who do I vote for in Oklahoma’s governor’s race?   Jari or Mary?  That’s the question.  Democrat or republican, liberal or conservative, blond or blond, I think.  Well, let’s just look at what’s going on around my place this year and see which way I should vote.

Oh, it’s been a good year for Tucker Cattle Company this past year.  We had wheat pasture last spring and the price of feeder cattle got close to a record high.  The wheat market rallied in the summer to a respectable level and we got just enough rain to make a hay crop and grow some grass.  I’m pretty sure neither the D’s nor R’s had anything to do with cattle or wheat markets or the fact that it rained.  So what’s next?

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Quick, Bring Whiskey, There’s a Fire!

 Howdy friends and neighbors.  Well I’m finally back at the keyboard pounding out another mess for your reading enjoyment or coffee shop debate.  Been busy sowing wheat and even busier running grasshoppers off what wheat had managed to come up.  We still have so many grasshoppers that they have to work in shifts because there is not enough for all of them to eat at once.  I even saw some grasshoppers wearing little tiny miner helmets with super small carbine lights on them so the night shift can see what they are eating.    

 Here is where I eat a slice of humble pie because my frost flower let me down this year.  It predicted a frost in early October but so far my thermometer has only gotten down to 39 degrees.  No frost yet.  But, and this is a stretch for a but, but it did frost in central Oklahoma last week.  So my flower was off by 200 miles.  Not bad in my book.   Maybe my frost flower knew the grasshoppers would be working nights and decided to bloom early to avoid them. 

 I hate to put a friend on the spot but this text message story is just too funny to leave on the shelf this week.  Okay, I have to set the stage for this little funny that happened recently.  I am a proud member and volunteer firefighter of the Sweetwater Volunteer Fire Department.  One of our major policies prohibits any alcohol while on duty as a fireman including work nights and training meetings.  It’s a great policy that has been in place as long as I’ve been on the department.  Reasons for the policy are quite obvious.   

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Fall, This is My Time of Year!

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Fall is here!  This is my time of year.  I like it when you start the day off wearing a light pullover.  The sun is peaking over the eastern horizon, steam is floating over the creeks and ponds, and freshly weaned calves are starting to bawl.  The old diesel feed truck takes a bit more care to get her started.  The summer grass is starting to fade to a lighter brown as I think to myself that the feed route, with a stop at the coffee shop, will soon be routine.  Out to the pens I go to check on the new crop of calves that are becoming accustomed to life on their own.  I sip some Dr. Pepper as the calves wander around with the sun shining on them and steam lifting from their backs.  A brave one comes forward to get a good smell of the cow dog standing guard under the pipe fence.  “Pepper” just can’t stand the fact that the juvenile bovine is invading his personal space and takes a quick snap at him.

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No News is Good News

Howdy friends and neighbors.  For a guy like me that tries really hard not to watch or listen to any state or national news, it’s nearly impossible to do!  At times there is no way I can get to the radio dial quick enough to keep the media garbage out of my ears so I occasionally hear what the bobble head media thinks is news.  It makes me want reach through the radio and choke them!

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Guns

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Boy, just about the time I think no one reads this mess I get all kinds of e-mails and questions about something.  Last week I wrote about “frost flowers,” and now everyone wants to know, “What are they?”  “What do they look like?”  “Where do you see them?”  Well, it’s hard to explain.  I even “Googled” it but found a different plant.  What’ I’m calling a frost flower is just a weed.  It grows about two feet tall from a single point that branches out to several.  It has dark green slick looking leaves.  In late summer a white ball-like flower blooms on the very top.  That’s about the best I can do.  I will try to post a picture of one on my Facebook page and web site soon.  I want to add a big thank you to my new favorite fan, Donna, for the jars of sand plum jelly, MMMmmm Good!

Several years back a good friend sold me a gun cabinet as he was moving and didn’t have room for it in his new house.  On the front of the cabinet, he had taped a magazine clipping.  I never have removed that clipping and stopped to read it again the other day.  I just love it and want to share it with you.  So, here it is. The last one is my favorite.

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