Not a creature was stirring,

Except for ol’ #11, bred heifer

With a white streak on her forehead.

She was restless and stirring as I headed off to bed

With visions of her licking a new baby bull calf in about an hour dancing in my head.

My wife was already sacked out as I made my way into the house.

Got my hot shower, then a bowl of ice cream as I dreamt of a ski trip to Taos.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, the cow dogs were just having their nightly chat with the coyotes about stuff that just doesn’t matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash. 

Yep, it’s been an hour and a half.

Better check #11 and get back to my warm bed in a dash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a couple of miniature feet sticking out of her posterior.

#11 was on her side and pushing with all she was worth.

She just seemed to get nowhere so I rolled up the sleeve on my shirt.

I grabbed her tail and as dry leaves before a wild hurricane fly,

She jumped to her feet, cornered me in the back of the shed, then blew snot on me as she hooked and ran by.

She jumped over the gate and headed to the front pasture which was brushy and big.

I gathered the lariat rope, ob sleeves, the chains, a flashlight and jumped in my feeding rig.

On Cummins, on bale spikes, on big mud grips!

On high beams, on siren, and white caker that trips!

To the back canyon, to the plumb bushes and on to the flood control dam!

Dash on, dash on, we lost our hi-lift jack, post driver and truly tested the Ram!

Then… I saw the twinkling of #11’s eyes, as she held up behind a cedar in some sumac.

I gunned the diesel engine as she turned and mounted her final attack.

Her hooves came a pounding as she head butted my driver’s side door.

But call it Christmas luck, I got the lariat rope on her neck, dallied to the gear shift and put her on the floor.

Feed truck LS gave her a good pull and a tug, as I was still gloating over my midnight roping nab.

But as the slack drew up, my driver’s side door came off and #11 jumped into the cab!

Somehow I and the dog managed a miracle escape through the passenger window.

#11 now had full possession of my wheels; the Farm Bureau man would never believe this unusual show.

She was chubby and plump, not jolly at all.

As she kicked the feed truck outta gear and brought it to a stall.

I noticed she was caught like in a new hydraulic chute.

Her rear feet up under herself, with her newborn’s little nose sticking out. And then the radio went mute.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work.

OB chain around one foot, then two feet and a push, and here came a nose with a jerk!

I cleared the breech as she slapped my nose with her tail.

And a new baby bull calf popped out, while Momma was still somewhat in jail.

I sprang to my feet and cut my new rope with the knife the feed salesman had left behind.

#11 blew the siren, kicked out my glove box and slid out the passenger side.

She paired up and claimed her calf like nothing had ever happened.

I gave her a big smile, threw my driver’s side door on the back, sat down in a heap of slime and my coveralls were dampened.

Back to the house, back to the shower, again, and a good night’s rest.

But first, I noticed under the Christmas tree presents piled up like a big nest.

Santa Claus had been there, I was so glad to see he’d been back.

Because under the Christmas tree was a new rope, gear shift, seat cover, and to my surprise a new hi-lift jack!

Out the window I saw Santa get out of his sleigh

He took #11 a big flake of alfalfa hay.

And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

With all the above mentioned I still hear state elected folks whining about being broke.  Well, elected ones, mark my words that with record high cattle and cotton prices as well as good wheat, corn, bean, peanut and crude oil prices and a livable natural gas price the state coffers will soon be replenished so y’all can blow it.   I’m tired of them talking about how bad things are in this state!  Bologna!  This state has the same tax revenues it had a few years ago when we had plenty of money in a state budget.  According to the Social in-Security Administration the cost of living hasn’t gone up so why can’t this state function on the same budget it had several years ago?????

We are in fine shape in Oklahoma.  Don’t think so?  Look to the east and west coasts.  Those states are BROKE!  Why?  Glad ya asked.  Here’s what’s under my hat.

The state of Oklahoma is just fine because we have plentiful God given natural resources and we use them. (Period.)  Thank goodness for the common sense folks that step up and run this state that continue to support the energy and agriculture sector.  Over on the left coast the folks in Cali-broke-fornia continue to kick their energy and agriculture sector in the teeth.  They simply cannot figure out why they are broke and why industry is running back to the Midwest. (Like Boeing for instance.) Plus, the cost of living keeps going up there because they must tax, fee, regulate, fine, and hamper anyone that might have a chance of creating wealth.  California shut off thousands of acres of fertile, highly productive specialty crop acres to help a non-native minnow that got into their canal system.  Liberal judges forced USDA to destroy Round-Up ready sugar beets because they’re a “bio-tech” crop.  Yeah! You can spray it once with one harmless chemical instead of several passes of other chemicals.  You can no-till them which means less fuel and more “carbon” retention in the soil.  Despite such efficiencies, you can’t grow ‘em in California.

I go against the flow here.  Oklahoma is sitting pretty.  We are developing and using new oil and gas recovery technologies.  This state has only just begun developing our wind resources so we can sell “green” energy to the right and left coasts.  (Cash only.)  And my industry, agriculture, is still a strong second to energy in gross receipts in this state.  Energy and agriculture create wealth by converting natural resources into consumable products.   We pump it, dig it and grow it out of the ground and harvest it from the sun and the wind.  Our products don’t come from foreign suppliers, they come from the ground you walk on and the sun and wind on your face!

I’m Monte Tucker and that is what’s under my hat. 

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes, “Man owes his every accomplishment and very existence to a thin 6 inch layer of top soil and the fact that it rains!”

Take the big 12 or 10 or whatever it’s going to be next year for instance.  Okay, it’s Nebraska and Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship game this next weekend.  Yep, according to the “rules” that’s who plays.  In case you didn’t know, Texas A&M (6-2) beat both of these teams in the regular season this year and is tied with OU (6-2) and OSU (6-2) for the south title but they must watch the game on TV.  To go another step further, OU beat Texas, Texas beat Nebraska (6-2), Nebraska beat OSU, OSU beat A&M and A&M beat OU.  Well there is a simple fix called play-offs but the political re-treads will never let it happen because of what it involves…..MONEY!

            So if OU wins the championship game both A&M and Missouri (6-2) can claim it by default.  If Neb wins then both Texas and A&M can claim it.  Texas (2-6) might have a tough case but A&M can claim the title either way, but, but, Missouri beat A&M and OU so they can claim the title.   But OSU beat A&M so they can claim it.  Though, both Neb and OU whipped OSU.  Whew!  Let’s talk about something less confusing like cross hedging NY cotton puts to protect downside risk in soybeans and rice while gaining marginal upside cost protection of wedding cake ingredients!!!

            Well of course I hated to see the Slim Pickens pokes go down to OU again.  But on the bright side, if they had won and went to the championship game then I would have probably gone to see the game.  So, my tuition to OSU is paying off because I figure by them losing it saved me about $2000 and two days of goofing off in Arlington, TX.

OK, enough of that.  Here is one of the best ideas for a Christmas card I have heard in a while.  We all need to send the beloved ACLU a Christmas card with a baby Jesus or nativity scene on it while wishing them a Merry CHRISTmas.  But, be sure and enclose a 1 cent stamp along with it for a donation to their cause and request a receipt for a tax-deductable donation.  As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTmas part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world. Make sure it says “Merry Christmas” on it.   The address is:  ACLU, 125 Broad Street, 18th Floor, New York, NY 10004.

For those of you who aren’t aware of them, the ACLU, (American Civil Liberties Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or anything Christian away from us.  Their latest lawsuit is to have all the white cross grave markers removed from Arlington National Cemetery and not allow anyone in the military to say “in Jesus’ name” while praying for their very protection while they, our soldiers, stand guard protecting the very rights of members of the ACLU to freely sue away.  Enough is enough!  Several tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn’t know if any were regular mail containing contributions.  So, spend 44 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone.  Also tell them that there is no such thing as a “Holiday Tree”. . . It’s always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!

I’m Monte Tucker and that is what’s under my TCU hat!  No I didn’t go to school there but they’re winning so I’m a now a fan.  Go Horned Frogs!

 Okay they’re getting set as the donkey’s line up on the republican 2 yard line, 1^st and goal to go, as a result of ramming Bama care right down the elephant’s throats.  It’s sister Pelosi wide left. Boxer even further left.  Bama is under tele-prompter.  It’s a given he’s under center because he banned the shotgun.  Two backs set… well I think they’re set.  Reid and Barney Frank are awful close in the back field.  It’s the mule tail formation.  Cap and trade lined up just barely to the right.

 “Yeah, Hat, Cap and Trade have been man handling McCain and Graham all night.”  

 The elephants have a fresh line of tea baggers digging their heals in. 

 “Hat, the American fans are creating a lot of noise in this south end zone and Bama can’t call an audible amongst this chaos.  Back to you Hat.”

 Cap and Trade run off the field as Economy and Jobs run on.

 Here we go. Out of the mule, Bama gives a hard count trying to pull the tea baggers off-sides but no dice.  Ball is snapped, Bama looks right but Economy has stumbled, he pump fakes to Pelosi as he retreats back to the left. Palin has run over her own teammate McCain and is hot on Bama’s trail.  The pocket is collapsing as he scrambles left.  Frank and Reid are still in the back field arguing.  It’s a Presidential keeper as Bama breaks from the protection of Tele-prompter.  He’s at the 8, the 5 , THE 3, 2, 1!  It’s a huge pile at the one as Bama is still on his feet.  Oh, Oh the ball is stripped!  FUMBLE!  Ball on the ground and it seems no Dems want to fall on it!

 The Tea baggers come up with it!  They have blockers.  Fox and National Review out front.  The 10, the 20, room to run.  Oh, he almost gets tripped by the Senate.  The 40, the 50.  One man to beat.  It’s a huge collision mid field as the Tea Bagger was finally brought down by the Media.

 Oh my. The Donkeys had the ball on the Elephant 2 yard line, first down and goal to go and fumbled big time. 

 “Yeah Hat, I think all that crowd noise may have had something to do with it.” 

 Bama has already left the stadium.   Word from the sideline is that he is headed to Disneyland. 

 Oh check that.  He’s headed to India to see the festival of lights????!!! 

 “That’s right Hat, took $2 billion, Jobs and the economy with him.”  

 But the game’s not over?  We still have most of the 4^th quarter left.

  Well the Republicans, now have it first and 10 from mid field as John Boehner takes over as quarter back.  Whew! What a game.

  I’m Monte the “Hat” sports announcer Tucker, and that’s it. 

 And who would have thought that OSU would upset Baylor for the number one spot in the Big 12 South??!!       

This is just totally unbelievable!  Okay, take note of all the weird things that have happened this past week.  First, the Texas Rangers are headed to a World Series. That is the first time in franchise history that the Rangers are doing that. Next, we got four inches of rain at Sunny Point, Oklahoma!  Oh, it was a wonderful rain as it came just right and there were not many wash outs.  Then, the #1 OU Sooners got whipped by Missouri after Alabama and Ohio which were number ones went down.  But wait, there’s more.  The mighty Texas Shorthorns took a rear kicking at home from Iowa State!!

Here’s one that will raise an eyebrow.  With all the odd stuff happening in the Big 12, Baylor is on top!  No typo, the Baylor bears are leading the Big 12 in football at 3-1 in conference.  That’s truly amazing.

But it doesn’t stop there.  At one point I was able to use my mobile phone as a phone and it worked the whole conversation. Beef packer buyers offered more for fat cattle than the feedlots were asking!!!!!  Feedlots were asking $97 – $98 and packers offered up $102.50…..  That’s like trying to sell your car for $2000 and someone walks up, looks at your price and says, “well, I will give you $3000 instead!”  The zodiac signs wouldn’t even attempt to predict that one. 

Let me put it another way.  It’s like planning a trip to the most popular mall on black Friday and being prepared to walk a half marathon to just get to the outer limits of the parking lot but when you arrive there are ten open parking spaces directly in front of the door you needed. 

For you deer hunters, it’s like going out thinking to yourself how nice it would be to harvest a small deer for good eating and the Hartford himself, I’m talking the deer that looks like it has a 30 row cultivator turned upside-down on his head, score a 48,000 Boone and Crocket monster, walks out 30 yards from you and falls over from a heart attack when you reach for your gun.

There’s lots of weird stuff going on. I’m afraid to turn on the news because the headliner might be that democraps and reprobates have met, set down, and balanced the federal budget!  Or, or I might actually get to where I’m supposed be on time tomorrow (my wife says no matter how weird it gets, that will never happen!)

I’m Monte Tucker, and that is what’s under my hat.  You know, it all started when my hired man said he actually had a real live date!

Oh, it’s been a good year for Tucker Cattle Company this past year.  We had wheat pasture last spring and the price of feeder cattle got close to a record high.  The wheat market rallied in the summer to a respectable level and we got just enough rain to make a hay crop and grow some grass.  I’m pretty sure neither the D’s nor R’s had anything to do with cattle or wheat markets or the fact that it rained.  So what’s next?

Well, the oil and gas business has been going full bore out here for the past year.  So do the democrats take credit or do the republicans?  I can’t answer that one either.  One is for not using any carbon emitting products except for themselves and the other side is selling it to them.  Whew this is getting complicated.

Okay, here is an angle to look at!  I am now in the renewable energy business!  Yep, I’m getting one on those electrical wind pump turbines on my place.  Oh yeah, Tucker Power and Light is born.  So let’s see, the liberals think we are killing the world with carbon so they pushed for “green” energy that will keep polar bears and hockey players from extinction.  But now it was the conservatives who came up with tax breaks for big investments by private companies to build these multi-megawatt windmills.  But the D’s passed the stimulus bill giving this private company money for starting construction while the R’s fast tracked the project through miles of red tape.

Oh, my head hurts.  The R’s give ‘em a tax break and the D’s just give ‘em tax money.  So who gets the credit for this deal?  I think they both give subsidies to even make the deal work at all.

So I guess I should vote for the D’s because they will continue to push this made-up global warming stuff and my “green” energy will stay in demand or be forced into demand by them.  But then the D’s will see that I’m getting revenue from this project and will decide that that would be better off in their hands and will take it away my farm because it is better off in the public’s hands.  So, I should vote for the R’s!  But wait, the R’s might let some evil private natural gas companies build a generation plant that would put my windmills out of business and take my water for the steam instead of my wind and give it to the big rich companies.  Who’s on first?  Yeah.  What?  No he’s on second, who? No he’s on first…

Oh, I give up!  Is Sheriff Buford T. Justice on the ballot?  Do you remember the line from Smoky and the Bandit, “What we’re dealin’ wit here is plain ol’ fashioned communism!   Hand me that talker!”

I’m Monte Tucker and that is what’s under my hat.

 Here is where I eat a slice of humble pie because my frost flower let me down this year.  It predicted a frost in early October but so far my thermometer has only gotten down to 39 degrees.  No frost yet.  But, and this is a stretch for a but, but it did frost in central Oklahoma last week.  So my flower was off by 200 miles.  Not bad in my book.   Maybe my frost flower knew the grasshoppers would be working nights and decided to bloom early to avoid them. 

 I hate to put a friend on the spot but this text message story is just too funny to leave on the shelf this week.  Okay, I have to set the stage for this little funny that happened recently.  I am a proud member and volunteer firefighter of the Sweetwater Volunteer Fire Department.  One of our major policies prohibits any alcohol while on duty as a fireman including work nights and training meetings.  It’s a great policy that has been in place as long as I’ve been on the department.  Reasons for the policy are quite obvious.   

 We recently had a big grass fire in Northern Roger Mills County and our department was asked to join a county wide task force to help contain and extinguish the wild fire.  My mobile phone started doing it’s imitation of a catfish and vibrated as I had an incoming text message.  I punched the correct sequence of buttons and began to read the all important piece of urgent news.  The message was from my fire chief’s hip phone and it read, “We need someone to go with whiskey to Durham fire!!  Task force has been requested!” 

 WHAT???  My first reaction was “this must be some fire if the task force needs whiskey to fight it…..”  But, I took some kind of an oath or promise or something like that that said I would respond to the needs of my brother firefighters.  So, I now had my orders from the chief and off I went in search of whiskey.  I think my stash was a bit dry but I thought to myself, “Self, it’s Sunday. No liquor stores are open.”  So could I enact Marshall Law and break into a liquor store to retrieve what was asked of me?  Maybe I could just pick up some beer on the way and that would do until whiskey could be delivered.  After all we, as volunteer firemen, are taught to use the tools we have to get the job done.   Just as I was headed to the cellar to take inventory another message shook its way into my phone.  It was another urgent plea from the chief!  It read, “We need someone to go with WHIPKEY to Durham fire!!”   Whew!!!  We happen to have a volunteer fireman with the name of Ron Whipkey who was ready to head north to assist with the efforts. 

 Of all the times that my cell phone hasn’t worked, thank goodness that corrected message came through.  I might have been awfully embarrassed if I showed up to the raging inferno with an ice chest full of cheap beer and half empty whiskey bottles.   Or, you never know, I might have been voted “Volunteer Fireman of the Week!”

 I’m Monte Tucker, and that is what’s under my “ready to assist and obey orders” hat.

 I pour the feed out, look for some that might be a tick under the weather, make sure there is still plenty of hay, clean water and I’m off to the next project.  It’s getting warm enough now to shed the pullover as the sun is quickly evaporating the rest of the night’s dew.  I hop in ol’ tan and make the route to check (mainly to see what my neighbors are up to) the rest of the herd in their many places.  The last stop is the fall-calving cows’ pasture.  I blow the faithful siren (my horn is wore out and refuses to work) and the mob starts my way.  There ought to be thirteen fall calving cows as they line out for a count.  Black streaks dart in and out of the cows.  Baby calves run circles around the mamas as they make their final approach to the trough.  I absolutely love watching baby calves play.  From a stand still they break in two as if Jim Shoulders were strapped to their back and they were just turned out of chute number two at the NFR.  Then it’s a dead run with tails sticking straight up in the air.  They don’t know where they are going, but they are going to get there in a hurry. The mamma cows pause for a split second and lift their head from the trough to keep an eye on the little ones, then its back for another mouth full.

 The good Lord provided just enough moisture to really get wheat sowing in gear.  The smell of moist, freshly tilled soil makes me smile.  Can’t help but reach down and grab a handful and sift it through my fingers. “Just right!” I think to myself and jump on the tractor for a long day.    

 As the sun heads west, I look for that pullover I threw behind the seat as the temperature reminds me winter is on the way.  Man, the days are getting shorter.  Let’s head to the house and grab the local paper to see who the Eagles play next Friday night.  As I step in the house and loosen my boots I remember I left my jacket in the feed truck.  I slip on some flip-flops and step back outside as the cold creeps up from the concrete sidewalk and look up at the stars that are as crisp as the fall air. Coyotes howl in the distance and a calf is bawling back at the pens. I grab my coat and head inside to catch some baseball play-offs.  One last look up. What a sight.  Only God could create that view from Sunny Point, Oklahoma.

 I’m Monte Tucker, and that is what’s under my fall hat!

 For example, (and here I go repeating what they reported in my own form of media, but I’m making fun of it so maybe I can get by with that) the number one story for the past few days, I guess – a baseball player lied to congress.  Oh no!  Please tell me this can’t be true.  This totally changes my life as I know it!  Oh, that coupled with the fact that the Bamas are on vacation again.  Ha, but they are nowhere near the Gulf Coast where they tell us to go.  Why?  Well, there aren’t any hotel rooms because the media and cleanup crews have them booked solid.

 Okay, back to this baseball player lying to congress.  Big, national news, Roger Clemens indicted for lying to congress.  Whew!  That’s big news!  That’s all they got?  Now I’m confused, a baseball player can’t lie to congress about something that congress has no business even worrying about, but congress and the President can lie through their teeth to us, the American public anytime and anywhere they want to???!!!  Boy the rocket (Clemens) needs to hire an out of work attorney with the last name of Clinton (slick Willy) to get him out of this one.  It has nothing to do with him using steroids while pitching baseballs at other players that may or may not use them.  Just like congress, side step the real issue and focus on something worthless.

 In other news that I happened to hear while passing by, “It’s been really hot for the past month!” This from one of our state’s leading meteorologists.  Whew!  I’m so glad I heard that because I haven’t noticed at all that is was AUGUST!!!  Do people with actual thriving businesses advertise with these same folks?  Well, maybe not right now because politicians have all the air bought up till November.  So go ahead “Doppler Do-Little,” talk about how it might be hot in August in Oklahoma.  And be sure to mention that it could be dry in some places as well.  But be sure and get some great footage of the salt pile when the first winter storm comes this way.  I’m going with my gut on this but I would bet they put winter in December this year.  Just a guess though.

 As you can see I have nothing to write about so I turn to media and politicians.  They’re such an easy target.  I’m done.  I’m Monte Tucker and that is what’s under my hat.  I’m off to watch Ice Road Truckers and Dirty Jobs, anything but the news and the political ads.

Several years back a good friend sold me a gun cabinet as he was moving and didn’t have room for it in his new house.  On the front of the cabinet, he had taped a magazine clipping.  I never have removed that clipping and stopped to read it again the other day.  I just love it and want to share it with you.  So, here it is. The last one is my favorite.

“Firearms Refresher Course”

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Gun control is not about guns; it’s about control.
4. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
5. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words
6. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
7. If you don’t know your rights you don’t have any.
8. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
9. The United States Constitution!  Copyright 1791, all rights reserved.

10. What part of “shall not be infringed” do you not understand?

11. The second amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.

12. 64,999,987 firearm owners killed no one yesterday.

13. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.

14. You don’t shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

15. 911 – Government sponsored Dial-a-prayer.

16. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

17. Criminals love gun control – it makes their job safer.

18. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

19. Only a government afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

20. Guns have only two enemies, rust and liberals! 

And another favorite… After the Japanese surrender in WWII, the head duck, general “whatshisname” of the Japanese army was asked why he didn’t attack the US mainland.  He replied, because all those crazy Americans have guns in their homes!   We are so lucky in Oklahoma because we have two ladies running for Governor that love us crazy Americans who are still clinging to our religion and guns.

Well with that out of the way, I’ll leave you this week announcing that I have decided to run for Judge.  Yep, seeing all those campaign signs has got me going.  I want to be Judge.  I think I can be fair, impartial, and compassionate.  I will work hard to personally get a good look at all of them.  When I make my decision, I will back it up with a good solid explanation based on my best judgment.   So vote me for Judge!

I’m Monte Tucker and that is what’s under my hat.  Oh, don’t forget, Monte Tucker for swine and goat judge at the local free fat fair!  See ya at the fair barn!