Gray Tape

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Sorry about last week but about the time I was going to start writing my weekly mess, a thunderstorm rolled through and the power went out. I wasn’t sure how to hook an old typewriter up the Internet.  Well, wheat harvest has been in full swing the last couple of weeks and I believe we’re on the downhill slide in this part of the country.  Yields seem a little better than average and test weights are good.  Looks like there are more fields with combine tracks in them than standing wheat.  Also, the price just keeps going up.

Food VS. Fuel

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Well, how many of you have seen or read the headline, “Food vs. Fuel?”  It seems every time I pick up a publication I see this headline followed by an argument over who is to blame for the increase in the price of food.  The media is trying to blame farmers for the run up as the farmers are seeing record high commodity prices.  The cowboys, chicken boys and hog boys are blaming the ethanol boys for causing corn to go through the roof.  But, they are begging at the back door for the byproduct of ethanol, which is a high-grade feed.  And the ethanol boys are now mad at the natural gas boys because natural gas is through the roof and for some funny reason; it takes natural gas to produce ethanol.  Meanwhile, the natural gas boys are mad at the electric company because their electric bill is higher and for some funny reason, the natural gas boys use electricity to run big compressors.  I’m confused!  But wait.  A train burns diesel to haul coal that is used to make electricity so the natural gas company can compress their gas to send it to the ethanol plant so they can turn corn into ethanol and feed byproduct so we can feed it to cattle that could just eat grass!  But, in order to make lots of grass we need fertilizer that is made from natural gas that is compressed by electricity that is made from coal that is hauled with a bio-diesel train. Then in order for a farmer to spread the fertilizer he needs energy from a soda pop that is made from corn syrup that is made from corn that needs fertilizer that is made from natural gas that is compressed with electricity that is made from coal that was hauled by a train that burns bio-diesel. Bio-diesel is made from soybeans that compete with corn but make their own nitrogen.

The Colors of Harvest

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Look out! No, it’s not the Hillary express!  It’s a loaded wheat truck headed for town.  Wheat harvest is in full swing in Western Oklahoma as combines eat their way through the 08′ crop.

 

Have you ever stopped to notice all the colors of harvest?   I mean there are more different shades of colors of trucks, tractors, combines, grain carts, service trucks, fuel tanks, ice chests, and cell phone cases.  The array of earth tones and contemporary blends encompassing the spectrum of light reflection would make the make-up artist that is in charge of the local Miss Main Street contest green with envy.   Next time you’re out and about, just take a second and look for the rainbow of harvest implements and support gear. 

NORM!

      Howdy Friends and Neighbors:  Some of my favorite phrases come from the character, “Norm,” on the TV show “Cheers.”  As he entered the bar, everyone in the place would yell his name and then someone would always ask him a question, and he always had the best replies.  My favorite is the one where the bartender “Sam” asked the simple small talk question, “What’s up Norm?”  And his response is ever so true today.  He simply responded, “The cost of living!”   I find myself saying the same thing every time someone asks me the very same question.  Norm had a bunch of good comebacks for his grand entry into the tavern.  Another favorite of mine was when Coach asked, “What’s it like out there?”  Norm’s answer, “It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing milk-bone underwear!”  Another one: “Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?”  I love this one… Norm: “Like a baby treats a diaper!”  And if you know how big I am, you’ll like this one as much as I do.  “Whatcha up to Norm?”  “My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall!”  

            I use many of these quotes every time someone asks the right question, and it always prompts a smile.  I know things seem tough at the current time, and I just like to see people smile. Well, according to all the dooms day media, life seems tough.  But stop and ask yourself if life today is really tough?  Oh, it could be.  But what is this dooms-day media comparing life today with?  Would we in America have a better life if gas were $.25 a gallon?  Would we be happy then?  I’m going to venture to say that if we could buy gas for $.25 a gallon, the media would have something else to focus our emotional fear on.  I’m sorry; I’m not buying into the fact that my life stinks because gas is too high.  Nor do I buy into the fact that food is too high.  I keep hearing all these news reports that food is going up, but my family’s food budget hasn’t changed in a year and a half and I’m not starving. Norm is right, I would be my ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.   Nor have our habits changed much.   I shake my head as the evening anchor tells me that the economy is terrible in the U.S. and then turns to a “special report” on the record sales of a stinking video game.  Recession stricken people lined up for several city blocks to plop down sixty bucks for ten-cent piece of plastic that contained the video game.  But how can this be true?  According to the lead story, everyone is broke after buying gas and food.

            I’ll admit the cost of gas and fuel has me re-thinking some summer activities, but life is good.  I always get flooded with e-mails after I write about how much I enjoy life in America from people that are just mad about things.  They always point out how bad things are and who is to blame.  But I just don’t get it.  I assume they are the same folks that sit around and say to themselves,  “I hope we can elect a president that will solve my problems.  Or, if Congress would just pass a bill that would solve these terrible issues, then life would be good.”  I guess the difference between us is at some point I decided to solve my own problems.  I’m not waiting on a president or Congress to take action on my happiness. I’m already there. 

            I truly believe that laughter is the key.  It is a lot easier to enjoy life and just smile.  If you’re looking for advice on being happier, quit watching the news!  Oh, and swing more. 

            I’m Monte Tucker, and that’s what’s under my happy hat. 

Red Hams

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Man, did I stir the pot last week with my attendance to the PACCS (prairie dogs, armadillos, cows, chickens and skunks) meeting where heated discussion over our endorsement for the Democratic nominee took place.  My e-mail line was glowing red-hot as it maxed out on wattage from opinions that came in from across the plains like tumbleweeds into a five-wire fence on a breezy day.  Of course, the range of discussion was about as wide as it was shallow.  But, I do have to say that the porcine group caught my attention with their threats to protest and promise to cause total disruption at our final meeting at the Elks Lodge in Arnett, Oklahoma.  The swine group has a severe case of the “red ham” and their tails have gone straight over the fact that their 27 delegates won’t have a say in the endorsement process. 

The farm vote

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Well, here it is!  My official endorsement for the democratic presidential primary race!  I hereby fully endorse Hillary Rotten Clinton for the democratic nominee.  Hang on a minute, I haven’t flipped my lid, I just decided it was time to get involved in the primary.  Also, I’ve just returned from a meeting with my newly formed political action committee and in a 5 to 1 vote we decided to give the New York Senator the nod.  My new P.A.C.C.S. (Prairie dogs, Armadillos, Cows, Chickens, and Skunks) met into the later side of the noon hour and emerged with an endorsement for the primary.  The lone vote for “O’-what’s his name” was the proxy vote of the prairie dogs.  They totally agreed with his views on small towns’ inability to hold sophisticated, intellectual conversations. Plus the fact that it is mostly small town rednecks that shoot at them.  Thus, his stance on banning guns was a no-brainer for the underground, working-class prairie dogs.

Subsidised?

Howdy friends and neighbors.  I keep hearing over and over again that food prices are shooting through the roof.  Our economy is in a depression and food prices are getting too high.  One news report said the government in Haiti has fallen due to rioting over the price of food.  And of course, us highly subsidized farmers are to blame.  That’s how the typical mainstream media will spin the story.  And not just mainstream media.  Every farm magazine and agriculture journal that I pick up talks about the “good times” we in agriculture are having.  Average Americans think farmers are just getting fifthly rich as commodity prices are at record highs.

Skunks

Howdy friends and neighbors. I made it back from Washington, D.C. and none too soon. I was just about out of common sense and money.  Man! It’s good to have my boots back on red dirt as I decompress from the high pressure of the vortex of capital hill. I have never seen so much concrete and limestone in one place. Overall, the entire trip was very good but I’m not sure we actually got any questions answered. We can expect a welfare/food stamp/energy/conservation/environmental/farm bill in two weeks to two years. And, YES, for those who didn’t know, welfare, WIC, and food stamps are all in the Farm Bill and make up about two-thirds of the budget.

Abbreviated

Howdy friends and neighbors. This is going to be a super short column this week. Some of you may even read it all the way through. I’m currently in our nation’s capital and you must tune is next week because I already have a few funny and interesting stories to tell. Not to mention, my ultimate goal for the trip. I’m here to lobby congress for them to do something about the smell of skunks. I personally find it to be very offensive and I believe the skunks are violating my civil rights. Law needs to be enacted as soon as possible.

lus, I had trouble here at the DC airport. TSA did a thorough shake down of me because, without me realizing, I had on a jacket that advertised “Ivomec.” Of coarse Ivomec kills parasites and in this town, that’s a serious threat. Well I better go to the hill and make waves. And no, the body cavity search didn’t go well. Especially when they found the skunk I was smuggling.

‘m Monte Tucker, and that is what’s was under my Pepé Le Pew hat.

Easter Bonnet

Howdy friends and neighbors. Happy Easter! Well when you get this Easter dinner may already be attached to your waist, but still, I hope you had a happy Easter. Let me go over to my latest invention here in the “Hat Band” (my whatsundermyhat office) and spin the wheel to see what I’ll write about this week. Click,click,click,click,click, click, errrrrrrr, click, squeeeeeaak……. pssssssssst, (that was some WD-40) psst, click,click, whoop! The duct tape came off the clicker. And the wheel landed on, oh wait, lets tape the clicker back on, and the topic is…. the only blank spot on the wheel! Well it beats the bankrupt spot. Maybe by next week I’ll have “Topic Wheel 2.0” up and going. I think I’ll use baling wire to attach the clicker and install a grease-zert on the spindle for smoother spinning (my computer spell check doesn’t recognize “zert,” but it has to be a word because I’ve heard it all my life.) When I get all the bugs worked out, I’m going to offer my patent-pending decision maker to the ‘08 presidential hopefuls. Though they might reject it because on it there will actually be decisions that need addressing. Oh, how dare I suggest the three remaining windbags make a decision with this wheel instead of the time tested “finger-in-the-political-air” machine? Maybe I just need to send them a grease-zert and a can of WD-40 because I sure see a few sparks, tons of friction, and lots and lots of squeaking.